My Lewensreis – Julia Swanepoel (scroll down for English translation)
Die lewe gaan oor die eindbestemming, maar ook oor die reis op pad daarheen. Langs die pad moet mens aanpas, soms ook seerkry; maar een van die mees belangrike dinge is om te leer om te oorleef binne ons samelewing met sy eie opvattings en mensgemaakte spelreëls. Dit is makliker gesê as gedaan. Hier is my storie...
Ek lê skynbaar iewers op die outisme-asperger-spektrum, wat dit ookal beteken. Al wat ek weet is dat ek anders is. Ek was op ‘n spesiale skool. Ek was egter altyd ‘anders’ en dit het nie te make met skoolwerk, of my hakkel as ek praat nie. Soos ek ouer geword het, het my hakkel minder geword, maar nie die ‘ander’ ding nie...
Die ‘ander’ ding: As kind het ek alte graag my sussie se ‘panties’ en netbal rompe aangetrek en dit het altyd vir my lekker en reg gevoel – dis die mens wat ek eintlik graag wou wees – ‘n dogtertjie en nie ‘n seuntjie nie! Toe ek groter word het ek steeds in my sussie en my ma se kaste gekrap en gereeld hul klere aangepas en gedra. Soms is ek uitgevang en dan het ek raas gekry, maar ek kon dit nie keer nie... Hulle klere was wat ek graag permanent wou dra. Noudat ek groot is, is dit steeds dieselfde – ek wil vrou wees, nie man nie. Inteendeel – ek voel vrou, maar is in ‘n man se lyf gebore.
Soos wat ek oor die jare ouer geword het, het ek maar in die geheim ‘n ‘cross-dresser’ begin word en ervaar hoe geweldig moeilik dit vir my was/is om ‘n man in die dag te wees en om saans en snags (in my huis, agter geslote deure, vensters en toe gordyne) ‘n fyn vroutjie in vroueklere en vroue-onderklere te wees. Ek moes dit so doen om te oorleef. Ek het immers gewoon op ‘n baie konserwatiewe en eng dorpie op die platteland (Noord-Weste) en die mense daar verdra nie iets wat enigsins anders is as wat almal moet wees volgens hulle norme en standaarde, nie. Ek was en is ‘anders’ as meeste mense se norm van hoe mens moet wees.
Ek het die laaste jare veral toenemend gevoel en geweet ek gaan sukkel om in die ‘middel’ te bly voortleef; om bedags ‘so’ te wees an saans en snags ‘sus’. Ek het op my eie manier begin om maar daarmee saam te lewe. Bedags die manlewe gedoen (‘n valse voorhou van myself aan die wêreld) in die samelewing en saans en snags die werklike vrou wat ek voel ek is, alleen en eensaam, agter geslote deure en toe gordyne... Dit het al swaarder geword vir my soos ek ouer geword het. Ek het begin om al hoe meer moedeloos en opstandig te voel en het gesukkel om dit te hanteer. ‘n Paar jaar gelede het ek my twee beste vriende op die dorp van my situasie vertel en het hulle beide in my vertroue geneem. Hulle is ‘n getroude paartjie en was jare my vriende. Hulle het egter vir my gelag en stories begin versprei... Dit maak seer...
Ek het uiteindelik (2009) besluit om te oorweeg om Kaap toe te trek na my familie toe, veral toe ek gehoor het Groote Schuur kan my dalk help om vrou te word en ook gehoor het van die wonderlike troos en bystand wat Gender DynamiX en Triangle aan mense soos ek kan bied.
Liesl het my gewys dat daar nog mense soos ek is en ek was so bly dat daar nog heelwat mense is soos wat ek is! Ek het skielik nie meer so alleen gevoel nie. Ek het besluit om by Gender DynamiX en Triangle aan te sluit en deel te word van hulle, wat ook kan help om ‘n uitkoms vir mense soos ek te bewerkstellig.
Toe ek die boek, Trans: Transgender Life Stories from South Africa gelees het en ook die DVD, Transformation gekyk het, kon ek vir die eerste keer in my lewe met blydskap na my hartseer lewe kyk en weet dat ek nie al die swaarkry alleen deurmaak nie; en weet dat daar ook heelwat ander mense is wat dieselfde pyn moet deurmaak en weet hoe swaar dit is.
Ek is baie dankbaar om op die Groote Schuur program te kan inpas en dat hulle met my kan begin om my wens van vrou word te vervul en te weet dat daar op die end ‘n helder lig voor op die pad, in die lang tonnel, gaan wees – waarna ek soveel jare al uitsien.
Ek weet ook dat ek, na al die vasbyt van baie jare, my vrou wees volledig sal kan uitlewe en bedags en snags, nie net in die geheim nie, sag en fyn en werklike vrou sal kan wees. My familie ondersteun my wens, maar vir sekere van hulle was dit moeilik om te aanvaar.
Ek sal dan nie meer ‘Johan’ of ‘Jonnie’ wees nie, maar ‘Julia’, die eintlike person wat op my geboortesertifikaat moes gewees het toe ek op 14 Junie 1965 in Klerksdorp gebore is.
English version:
My Life's Journey - Julia Swanepoel.
Life is about the destination, but also about the journey to that destination. One has to adapt along the way, sometimes get hurt; but one of the most important things one has to learn is to survive in society with its own views and man-made rules. That is easier said than done. Here is my story...
I apparently lie somewhere on the autistic-asperger spectrum, whatever that means. All I know is that I am different. I was at a special school. I was, however, always “different” and that had nothing to do with my schoolwork, or my stutter when I talk. As I got older, my stutter became less but not the “other” thing...
The “other” thing...
As a child I often wore my sister’s panties and netball clothes and it always felt right and good – it made me the person I really wanted to be – a little girl and not a little boy! As I got older, I still scratched in my sister’s and mother’s wardrobes and regularly fitted on their clothes and wore them. Sometimes they would shout at me, but I could not stop myself. I wanted to wear their clothes permanently. Now that I am an adult, it is still the same – I want to be a woman, not a man. In fact, I feel like a woman, but was born in a man’s body.
As I became older over the years, I became a secret “cross-dresser” and had to experience how difficult is was – and is – for me to be a man during the day and at night (in my house, behind closed doors, windows and curtains) be a delicate woman in womens clothes and underwear. But I had to do it to survive. I lived in a very conservative and narrow-minded town (North West) and the people there do not tolerate anything that is not according to their norms and standards. I was and am different to what most people’s norms would be.
During the last few years I increasingly felt and knew that I would struggle to survive; to be “this” way during the day and “that” way at night. But I managed in my way to live with it. Do the man-thing in sociey during the day (hold up a false version of myself to the world) and at night be the real woman that I feel I am, alone and lonely behind closed doors and curtains. It became all the more difficult as I became older. I felt more and more rebellious and despondent and struggled to handle it. A few years ago I told my two best friends in town about my situation and took both of them into my confidence. They were a married couple and had been my friends for years. They laughed at me and started spreading stories. It hurts...
I finally decided (2009) to consider moving to Cape Town to my family, especially when I heard that Groote Schuur could possibly help me to become a woman and also heard of the wonderful comfort and support that Gender DynamiX and Triangle can offer to people like me.
Liesl showed me that there are a lot more people like me. Suddenly I didn’t feel so alone anymore. I decided to join Gender DynamiX and Triangle and become part of them, which could also lead to relief for people like me.
When I read the book, TRANS: Transgender Life Stories From South Africa, and watched the DVD, Transformations, I could, for the first time, look back in happiness at my sad life and know that I am not the only one who suffered the hurt; there are a number of people who went through the same pain and know how difficult it is.
I am thankful that I could enter the Groote Schuur programme and that they could start to help me realise my dream of becoming a woman and to know that there is a light at the end of the tunnel – which I have been looking forward to for so many years.
I also know that, after all the perserverance of many years, I can now live out my womanhood fully and I can, during the day and at night and no longer in secret, be a soft and delicate woman. My family supports my wishes, but for some of them it was difficult to accept.
I will no longer be “Johan” or “Jonnie”, but Julia, the actual person that should have been on my birth certificate when I was born on 14 June 1965 in Klerksdorp.
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